


reality.

by orphan_account



Category: Produce 101 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Death, Depression, Mentions of Suicide, Mentions of Wanna One, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, This is just pure angst, i love torturing myself by writing this, mentions of insomnia, poor sammy, trigger warning, tw: depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-25
Updated: 2017-07-25
Packaged: 2018-12-04 09:59:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,925
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11552805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: in reality, samuel arredondo isn't anything alike kim samuel at all.trigger warning; depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts and self-hatred





	reality.

**Author's Note:**

> trigger warning; depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts and self-hatred
> 
> disclaimer; do NOT romanticize these kinds of things. this, in NO WAY is "aesthetic" or "a pretty transformation". it's a horrible disease and honestly, it doesn't matter what circumstances you live in, there's quite a high chance of you getting 'it'.
> 
> now onto the actual a/n:  
> i have no idea why i wrote this, maybe because i didn't really see any "sad fics" regarding samuel and decided to write one myself or just because im probably a masochist that loves to hurt myself mentally and cry myself to sleep :')

Samuel made his way to the tall, balding, kind-looking man that held a board up with his name upon it. It seemed like the fans spotted him first despite wearing the familiar 'airport look' which wasn't that good of a disguise. He gave his luggage to the driver and the man quickly led him to the car, somehow undisturbed by his fans. Well, there was screaming, but there was no touching or anything close to physical touch. 'Do i look inviting enough? What if they found out? Are my eyebags showing?' Those kinds of thoughts were buzzing in the brunette's head now. He didn't even register the fact that they were already outside and his driver was waiting for him to step inside the car until he tapped samuel on the shoulder. "Oh, sorry." he apologized before stepping inside the car and closing the door with a loud thud.

"Long ride?" his driver chuckled as he started the car.  
'A 2015 hundai i30. Nice.' he thought to himself before nodding in response to the man. His throat was really hoarse. And that green tea his manager recommended worsened it. Samuel pulled out his phone from his pocket and put his 'take a deep breath' playlist on shuffle. He closed his phone and leaned his head against the window, staring at the planes taking off and landing as they got smaller the further they got from the airport. Soon enough, they reached brave entertainment's building. Samuel thanked the driver and stepped out of the car, the driver got out his luggage and handed it to him. Samuel made his way to the entrance of the building, greeting a few fans here and there. truth is; Samuel moved to the dorms that were in the building behind that was fortunately connected to the main building. He went to his dorm first and left his luggage there and hurried his way over to the break room where he and his manager agreed to meet.

"Catch." His reflexes may be the only good thing about him as he quickly catched the white and blue box that read 'zolpidem pills' on it. "Don't want you to be too tired tomorrow." his manager smiled, worry evident in his eyes. Samuel nodded as he put the pills inside his pocket of his hoodie. "Take some rest and distract yourself." his manager spoke before leeting him take his leave. Samuel speedwalked to the corridor that connected both buildings. Once he reached his dorm, he collapsed against his door. He looked over to his suitcase that was lying on the floor. Samuel walked on his knees to make his way over to his luggage. He unzipped the suitcase and grabbed a bottle of water. He leaned against the side of his bed, grabbing his phone out of his other pocket. Samuel opened his private instagram to discover that jisung dm-ed him. He sighed before opening the message.

" 'muelie, i'm gonna be honest with you. i'm really worried. you don't reply to daniel's messages and seongwoo's. i'm not the only one who' worried, minhyun is practically balding. he's really stressed. did something happen? please respond. with love: jisung-hyung.' " Samuel read out loud, immediately regretting his choice; he felt as if he was punched in the stomach reading about Minhyun. 'I don't deserve their worries. I don't even deserve to be in their thoughts. If I didn't go on that damned show they would have been way happier now. It's all my fault. Why am I alive anyways? I only bring others worry and pain. It's not like my life was anything meaningful or like I have a purpose or some shit' he thought to himself before sighing. He twisted the cap off of the bottle and took a gulp of water. He stared at the blank wall before him, letting his thoughts consume him.

'There's a fucking reason I didn't debut. And that's because no matter how fucking hard I try, I'll never be good enough. Why do I even try? How fucking pathetic am I? A weak piece of shit like me doesn't even deserve to breathe the same air as them.' "Maybe... Maybe I should just end it all." he concluded. Samuel pulled the box of pills out of his pocket and took them one by one until he finished the box, taking as little water as he could to take in the pills. He heard a ringing noise in his ears, deafening him and saw little dark dots taking over his sight. He let out one final breath before the darkness consumed him. Two hours later, he woke up with a bolt, running to his bathroom, his body not fully awake just yet. 

He threw up some stomach acid and all of the pills he just took. Samuel stood up, clenching the heater that was currently turned off, for support. He looked at his reflection in the mirror. Apparently, his nose was bleeding. He scoffed, nothing unusual. His immune system was way too weak. "As if it matters." he muttered as he left the bathroom, collapsing on his bed. The ceiling seemed incredibly interesting at that moment to the trainee. "Fuck I still need to-" he didn't feel the need to finish that sentence as he grabbed his phone and opened his private account on Instagram. He opened his inbox and tapped on Jisung's dm. "Now what the fuck do I say? Tch, I'll come up with some sappy shit anyways." he rolled his eyes before typing his reply, sometimes gagging at his own sappiness.

" 'thank you so much for your concern, jisung-hyung. i'm fine, but i've recently been really busy so i couldn't reply to any of your messages! i'm so sorry for that, please tell seongwoo-hyung, daniel-hyung and minhyun-hyung that i'm fine just a bit busy. i assume you guys are busy too? we're all preparing for our debut, right? don't worry too much, hyung. tell minhyun i'm sorry for causing him that much stress. ttyl!' " he proof-read over and over. Seemed real enough to him. Now he just needed to reply to the other's concerns and worries. What a fucking pathetic piece of shit am i for showing my weakness so easily, he mentally cursed himself. He closed the conversation with Jisung and opened Minhyun's dm and read the most recent message.

'muel-ah. how have you been? has life been treating you well? i hope so. i heard you're prepping for your debut. i'm pleased to hear you didn't give up. i admit i've been worried a lot about you recently as you can probably tell by my other messages. i hope you can bring an amazing debut; judging you've been that busy i know it's gonna be amazing. thank you for reading this if you finally got the time. please respond soon. with much love and worry, minhyun. ' 

Now onto...Jihoon's message? That's weird, Samuel thought.

'muelie! this is jisung-hyung! apparently you haven't been replying to seongwoo-hyung and daniel-hyungs calls and messages so i asked jisung-hyung for your private ig. i hope don't mind! how are you? what are you doing now? let's meet soon, alright? with all of us, meaning me, you, jisung-hyung, seongwoo-hyung, daniel-hyung and minhyun-hyung. bplease take care and bring us a good debut! btw, you better make the headlines - park jihoon :3 '

Samuel rolled his eyes, of course he would put an emoticon at the end of that. He first typed his reply to Minhyun.

' minhyun-hyung, i'm so sorry for causing you stress! and you're correct, i'm actually quite busy right now. but please don't worry and take care of yourself! i'm sorry for my short reply but goodbye, ttyl! '

Rushed, but not too rushed. Worked for him. Now, Jihoon was going to be a pain in the ass. Samuel thought for a reply about 8 minutes before starting to type.

' hello, jihoon-hyung! tell seongwoo-hyung and daniel-hyung i'm sorry, please? TT - TT ... and of course i don't mind lol. i'm really busy but i'm doing well, how about you, hyung? and atm i'm filming, recording and doing way too much stuff ;-; but it's worth it !! and yes that's a good plan when would you like to meet? i'll try my best, thank you hyung! - kim samuel '

Once again, Samuel gagged by his own response. But that was Kim Samuel, a bright, ambitious, sociable yet introverted person. Kim Samuel was the complete opposite of Samuel Arredondo; the one who had to put up with Kim Samuel's bullshit as he liked to call himself.  
Samuel felt immediately anxious as he looked that Jihoon saw his message and was currently typing something back. "Fuck no, don't." he pleaded to no one in particular. His eyes watering, What if jihoon saw through his act? No, no, no. No one noticed, so why would he? Samuel admits that he feared Jihoon from the start so maybe he was still in fear of the older.  
He didn't notice how stressed he was until he saw the message pop up.

' that's good to hear! pheww, i was kinda worried haha! and i told them immediately. and they said it's fine. how about meeting tomorrow? also could you facetime right now? all of us (insert the exact same names i messaged u in the first one here ^^ ) are dying to see you! - park jihoon! :3 '

Oh fuck. They were definitely onto him.

' ah of course hyung! just a second! also tomorrow is fine. how about 11 pm? most people aren't out then. '

He immediately typed back before rushing to his bathroom and wiping the blood off of his face rather aggressively. He quickly put on some powdered his face and applied lip tint to look more 'alive'. "Why am i even bothering." he sighed before rushing out of the bathroom to see his phone ringing and a facetime request by Jisung on the screen. Samuel picked up without hesitation and smiled brightly; after all Samuel Arredondo didn't excist to the outside world, they only knew Kim Samuel.

"Muelie!" Jisung cooed, smiling brightly. samuel smiled in return. "Hello!" he greeted no one in particular, earning multiple "hello's" in return. "Wah, why were we so worried!? He looks exactly the same!" Daniel laughed, earning some laughs. With the exception of Minhyun and Jihoon who just were looking at Samuel with a blank stare. "Ah, could I talk to Samuel alone for a moment?" Jihoon suggested out of the blue, Samuel felt his heart rate go faster; and not in a romantic way. He saw Minhyun nod in approval and the others granting his request, leaving the two for some 1 on 1 time. Jihoon smiled and put his earpods in.

"How are you?" 

"Fine. thanks, how about you?" 

"I'm quite okay myself. Have you been getting enough sleep?" And from here, he knew it was gonna go downhill. 

"No but I'll manage. How are the other members?" 

Don't overthink too much, he'll notice. Keep changing the subject,  Samuel Arredondo's advice to Kim Samuel; a curtain, hiding the mess that was Samuel Arredondo. 

"We're doing well. Haven't been geeting much sleep ourselves lately too. Are you eating enough?" 

"Of course, I've got to be energized, don't I? Did your music video shooting go well?"

 "Yes. Thanks for asking. And if so, you look kinda, how do I put it? Weak? Yes, Samuel, you look weak.". And now his alarm really went off. 

"Do I? Ah, I haven't been taking all of my vitamins properly." he laughed it off. 

"Oh, you should. They're really important." 

"I know.". He faked a smile, hiding the extreme panic welling up in his chest now; hiding the anxiety attack he was having there at the moment, hiding his shaking hands and the ability to breathe getting harder and harder.

"Oh well, I suppose that was it. I'll talk to you later, I hope! Remember to make it onto the headlines! Goodbye!" Jihoon smiled before tapping the end button. Samuel couldn't even say his goodbyss but was thankful for the rushed end as he broke down, sobbing. He dropped his phone on the floor, the case made a loud sound as it fell on the ground. "Fu-Fuck. Breathe in th-through your s-s-stomache. And breathe ou-out-t." he hiccupped, placing one hand on his chest and the other on his stomache, doing the exercise he ordered himself to do. As he finally regained control of his breathing, he cursed himself for being so obvious. "Fucking hell. He was definitely onto me. How the fuck could you mess up so badly!?" he cursed at himself.

He retreated to his bed after having a change of clothes. Throwing his outfit somewhere behind his desk. Samuel collapsed on his bed, trying to snuggle up in his blanket. "I almost was fucking caught. Just because I'm such a weak pathetic peace of shit. What kinda escuse of life am I? Goddammit. The only thing I do is make others feel bad. I never should've been born in the first place.". He kicked the blanket off of him. He stood up, groaning as if in a trance, he walked to the bathroom, making his way to the cabinet beside the sink. Opening one of the drawers he pulled out one of his pocketknives. The one he kept for 'just in case'.

Samuel ran the bathtub, a warm tenperature, not too hot but not too cold. He put the knife on the sink. He made his way to the room again, picking uo his phone from the ground. He opened his notes and decided on what to write in his note.

' I'm sorry for being born. I'm sorry for causing you pain. I'm sorry, Seungcheol, Hansol, Jisoo, Jeonghan, Jihoon, Soonyoung, Chan, Seokmin, Seungkwan, Minghao, Junhui, Wonwoo, Mingyu, Jonghyun, Minki, Aron, Dongho, Seonho, Hyunseop, Hakyeon, Sewoon, Youngmin, Woojin, Jinyoung, Jaehwan, Daehwi, Duanlin, Sungwoon, Daniel, Seongwoo, Minhyun, Jisung and Jihoon. Please remember me as Kim Samuel not as Samuel Arredondo. '

Seemed good enough. It wasn't like he had much to say.

He walked to the bathroom again, putting his phone on the sink. He grabbed the knife and laid down in the bathtub. The water wetting his white t-shirt and gray sweatpants. He sighed. His life had been nothing but a hindrance to others. He tried his best to think of some happy memories; but it seemed like all of those had gone forgotten. His mind was completely blank and had only one goal; killing Samuel. both of them. He clenched the knife tightly and let his warm tears roll over his cheeks. He felt completely numb. He wanted a quick death.

He pushed the sharp knife repeatedly into his stomach, sobbing at the pain he felt. He knew the pain was nothing compared to what he felt everyday. But stil, it hurt.  

"Fucking die already!"

He stabbed himself one last time before throwing the knife somehwere in the bathroom. The blood came rushing out, coloring the water a beautiful red. Samuel smiled; red was his favorite color. he could feel his eyelids become heavier and closed them willingly. Letting out his last breath with a calm expression and the hint of a smile.

The next morning, his manager couldn't reach his phone so he decided to go to his dorm. Only to not get a response there either, he opened the door with a spare key and was met with the stench of death and a dead body. His manager coughed, walking into the bathroom next to him, and broke down. He was a crying mess and hurriedly reached for his phone in his pocket calling 118 immediately and requested an ambulance. The ambulance came in precisely 4 minutes and even they gasped at the sight; Kim Samuel, dead, in the bathtub that was colored because of his stab wound. His manager noticed Samuel's phone and grabbed it. The ambulance personnel immediately took Samuel out of he water and declared him dead right there but despite that took him to the hospital. His manager stayed with the dead trainee as long as he could. 

He read to suicide note in the car and bawled his eyes out. They seperated at the morgue. Dongchul, his manager, waited outside. He was on the phone with Samuel's mom who was out of the country. Dongchul sighed, he couldn't cry anymore. All of his tears were used up. His throat felt dry and his cheeks were decorated wih dried up tears. Samuel's mother gave Dongchul premission to inform the media about his suicide. He used to boy's phone logged into the Samuel's Instagram and used Samuel's suicide note as picture just as how Samuel instructed to at the end of his letter. Dongchul choked back his tears.

' Dear Melona. This is @braveboysh. I have no idea what the right way is to tell you this but I am incredibly saddened to inform you that Samuel is no longer with us. He brutally took his life last night and died of blood loss by a stab wound. My condolences to his family, friends and fans. Stay strong, he doesn't want us to fall into the same despair as him. Kim Samuel suffered from depression, insomnia, eating disorder and suicidal thoughts. He was getting professional help and was getting medicine. Rest in peace, Kim Samuel. You will always stay with us. ' He ended the letter and cried again. He posted it without second thought. 

 

Jihoon completely broke down when he heard the news.

Samuel made the headlines; just not in the way he wanted him to.

**Author's Note:**

> hi yes huge fucking thanks to @katsucki  
> mom ilysm  
> im rlly lazy and didn't care about capital letters and stuff lol.  
> so, she usually beta-reads for me and was like "lol i can correct if u want."  
> which was amazing ilysm once again
> 
> so if any of you like yuri!!! on ice, please check out her account and read her beautiful fanfictions 
> 
> nogmaals, dankje @katsucki !!! :')


End file.
